Well, it's been awhile since I've written in here (as is usually the case). I probably wouldn't be writing in here even now, except I keep seeing my blog linked on friends' blogs, and the last post title was such a downer that I felt like I needed to do something about that.
Life is actually awesome right now, although I seem hell-bent on screwing it up at times (more details on that later). But since failing my oral exam, I've gone through an oral presentation, an econometrics paper, and the oral exam retake. All three of them went reasonably well, by the grace of God, and now I'm one thesis proposal away from my Master of Philosophy degree, which is one thesis away from the Holy Grail known as the Ph.D.
God has been so merciful. I've learned so much over this year--or rather, I am still learning so much--about fully surrendering to His will. For me, the biggest struggle is studying when I feel like doing something else (even things that aren't inherently bad). Learning to do so is still in progress, and there are days where I literally ignore God's urging and do whatever the heck I feel like. (Yesterday was one such day, and I feel ill just thinking about it.)
For much of my life, I've had this philosophy of getting my work done, or doing what needs to be done, and then relaxing or doing what I feel like once that's out of the way. Now, I realize that's the wrong mindset. I should aspire to do God's will at all times. God knows my limits. He will urge me to take rest when it's appropriate; I don't need to monitor myself in case He works me too hard.
And that's really terrifying to me. Surrender my ENTIRE life to God? Not just my working hours, but my leisure hours as well? That's insane. When do I get a break? When do I get to pursue my desires? And yet, during the few times that I've truly surrendered, it's been wonderful. No more anxiety about the work I should be doing. Greater peace and enjoyment from the times when I'm not working (and God gives them liberally).
But I don't trust Him. I know it's wrong, and that He gives me every reason and more to put total faith in His ability to work my life into something great. But I'm afraid of losing myself, or losing those parts of life that I like most. But that's rubbish. I'm never more myself than when I'm allowing God to operate through me.
So, even though yesterday was totally self-centered, selfish, and unproductive, I turn to God, ask for His forgiveness and yet another helping of mercy, then proceed to do my work as best as I can. I still struggle. I still find myself losing focus on my work or shirking tasks that look really difficult. But I will keep trying to master this action of surrendering every day, or better yet, every hour (because sometimes sacrificing the whole day even seems like a real push). And I hope that it gives God glory and makes Him happy to see it.
