Walk in the Spirit

I read Galatians 5 today--the one that talks about the fruit of the Spirit--and I felt that God spoke to me and pointed some things out that I'd never seen before.  I wanted to share them, but it was too long for a Facebook post.  And then I remembered that I do have a very infrequently used blog for such thoughts.  So here it is!

Galatians 5:16-17 starts out:

¹⁶ I say then: Walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh. ¹⁷ For the flesh lusts against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; and these are contrary to one another, so that you do not do the things that you wish. 

Ok, I get that.  Spirit good, flesh bad.  The flesh is why we do bad things even though we love Christ and want to serve Him.  All right.

Then verse 18 comes in and drops some knowledge:

¹⁸ But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.

Here is one of those tricky concepts I have trouble grasping.  The law makes sin known.  If we break the law, we are sinning.  Now the Spirit guides us to do good and follow Christ, which fulfills the law.  Yet, though we FULFILL the law, we are not UNDER the law.  What's the distinction?

And here's the part where I learned something new:

¹⁹ Now the works of the flesh are evident, which are: adultery,^[c] fornication, uncleanness, lewdness, ²⁰ idolatry, sorcery, hatred, contentions, jealousies, outbursts of wrath, selfish ambitions, dissensions, heresies, ²¹ envy, murders,^[d] drunkenness, revelries, and the like; of which I tell you beforehand, just as I also told you in time past, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.
²² But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³ gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law. ²⁴ And those who are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. ²⁵ If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit. ²⁶ Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another.

The key is that these are the WORKS of the flesh and the FRUIT of the Spirit.   These aren't things to strive for or against.  These are the products of our walk: a walk in the Spirit or a walk in the flesh.  No one tries to create the perfect apple directly.  They tend the tree as best as they can, and the result reflects it.

So, instead of striving to create these fruits--instead of trying to uphold the law--I must tend my relationship with God.  I must strive to be with Him, or more appropriately, I must strive to be open and receptive to His efforts to be with me.  Those verses about how God is the Vine and we are the branches make a lot more sense in this light.

This is probably an obvious point to a lot of people, but for someone like me who is a big fan of rules and regulations and knowing which side of the fence he's on, it's difficult to admit that I can't follow the law and that I can't be good.  Not on my own.  It's a fruit of a healthy relationship with God.  And that is something with which I have trouble.  But I can keep trying!

A Word in Season

For no reason at all, I decided to look at this blog again, and oh hey, it's almost been exactly a year since I last posted.  It's interesting because I'm still struggling with the same things (giving up my life completely to God), but it looks totally different now.  I have grown, and that's encouraging.  But it's funny: the more we grow, the more we realize how short we really fall.

I was glad to read this.  Maybe I should start writing here again.  Enough has happened lately to warrant it.

Life is awesome!

Well, it's been awhile since I've written in here (as is usually the case).  I probably wouldn't be writing in here even now, except I keep seeing my blog linked on friends' blogs, and the last post title was such a downer that I felt like I needed to do something about that.

Life is actually awesome right now, although I seem hell-bent on screwing it up at times (more details on that later).  But since failing my oral exam, I've gone through an oral presentation, an econometrics paper, and the oral exam retake.  All three of them went reasonably well, by the grace of God, and now I'm one thesis proposal away from my Master of Philosophy degree, which is one thesis away from the Holy Grail known as the Ph.D.

God has been so merciful.  I've learned so much over this year--or rather, I am still learning so much--about fully surrendering to His will.  For me, the biggest struggle is studying when I feel like doing something else (even things that aren't inherently bad).  Learning to do so is still in progress, and there are days where I literally ignore God's urging and do whatever the heck I feel like.  (Yesterday was one such day, and I feel ill just thinking about it.)

For much of my life, I've had this philosophy of getting my work done, or doing what needs to be done, and then relaxing or doing what I feel like once that's out of the way.  Now, I realize that's the wrong mindset.  I should aspire to do God's will at all times.  God knows my limits.  He will urge me to take rest when it's appropriate; I don't need to monitor myself in case He works me too hard.

And that's really terrifying to me.  Surrender my ENTIRE life to God?  Not just my working hours, but my leisure hours as well?  That's insane.  When do I get a break?  When do I get to pursue my desires?  And yet, during the few times that I've truly surrendered, it's been wonderful.  No more anxiety about the work I should be doing.  Greater peace and enjoyment from the times when I'm not working (and God gives them liberally).

But I don't trust Him.  I know it's wrong, and that He gives me every reason and more to put total faith in His ability to work my life into something great.  But I'm afraid of losing myself, or losing those parts of life that I like most.  But that's rubbish.  I'm never more myself than when I'm allowing God to operate through me.

So, even though yesterday was totally self-centered, selfish, and unproductive, I turn to God, ask for His forgiveness and yet another helping of mercy, then proceed to do my work as best as I can.  I still struggle.  I still find myself losing focus on my work or shirking tasks that look really difficult.  But I will keep trying to master this action of surrendering every day, or better yet, every hour (because sometimes sacrificing the whole day even seems like a real push).  And I hope that it gives God glory and makes Him happy to see it.

Who has two thumbs and failed his exam?

So this post was originally going to be super whiny and "woe is me" and all that junk, but I got convicted just reading it.  Life is hard.  God is good.  Get up.  Try again.  Rinse.  Repeat.

Before I forget this...

The speaker at my Monday night Bible study shared this quote with us (I believe it was Jonathan Edwards):

"Religious people find God useful.  Christians find God beautiful."

This made me think long and hard: do I find God beautiful?

Intentional Break

This morning, I was thinking I should post something here, but then I also thought, "I have an insanely important exam next Monday and should spend most of my free time studying for that!"  So, posting will definitely resume on Monday night.

Hoo boy...

This weekend, starting last night, my church (Elm City Vineyard, or ECV) is holding a conference called "Life with a Living God," and it's been pretty incredible.  So far, we've been taught on setting proper expectations for living with Jesus, and they were challenging: expect to be dependent, expect both reception and rejection, and expect obedience, to name a few.

The crazy part was when we had prayer.  We all bowed our heads, and the prayer leader prayed for the Holy Spirit to enter.  After that, he asked if there was anyone who was feeling tingling or warmth in their ears, hands, or chest, and if they were, he wanted them to stand up.

Before I go any further, I realize that a lot of people have trouble with these kinds of things, chalking it all up to the power of suggestion and so forth, and honestly, I agree with those people to a certain degree.  But at the same time, I know that God DOES move and speak to us in this way at times, and I don't want to close myself off to this avenue of guidance.  So my approach is three-step: 1) see if what the person is asking is true (ignoring the possibility of the power of suggestion). If it is, 2) say a brief prayer and ask the Holy Spirit if it's Him.  If I feel He says yes (again ignoring if it's just my own head playing tricks), 3) go for it.  Even if it wasn't originally from God and I totally misread Him, I trust He'll bless my attempting to do His will and turn my mistake into something He can use.

Anyway, this is what I did.  I did feel a little bit of warmth in my hands, so I prayed and asked, and I felt the impression that it was not Him, but that I should check out my feet.  And I was like, "My feet? Well, ok, they feel a little warm, but he didn't mention anything about--" "If you're feeling a warmth in your feet, I also want you to stand."  And I froze.  And I was like, "Lord, seriously?  'Cause I don't really think I want to stand..."  And I really felt like I was supposed to stand.

So after a moment of hesitation, I resignedly muttered under my breath, "...aw, crap..." and stood to my feet.  (Fun fact: the pastor's wife was sitting in front of me, heard me, and started laughing.)  The leader went on to explain that the warmth in the feet signifies that the Lord had a calling for those people to do missions, whether that be abroad or in our backyard.  As soon as he said that, I knew God had spoken, because I do not like to do missions.  I am shy and introverted by nature (until I get comfortable around you, and then I won't shut up!), and I am very uncomfortable sharing the gospel with others and serving them.  So knowing that this was the last thing I wanted to do confirmed that God was trying to stretch my faith.

A bunch of people gathered around me and prayed for me (which was awesome), and I felt that I needed to start volunteering at Agape Church, a subsidiary church of ECV for the homeless.  Again, something I really don't want to do because I'm uncomfortable, but know that I'm being called to do it.  So that starts tomorrow.

I go back to the conference at 1:00 this afternoon, and I'm looking forward to more challenges from God.  I'm gonna do something a little different and ask you, if you're reading this, to share ways in which you feel God is challenging you to step out in faith.  If so, are you taking steps to accept those challenges?  Because if you are, you are most certainly not alone.  :-)

"What is that to you?"

Last weekend (the weekend filled with weddings), I got the chance to visit my former youth pastor at the church he's now leading.  His sermon was on the last chapter of John, and it was GOOD.  The part of it that really struck me was when he talked about how Peter asked Jesus if John would die, as Jesus had just told Peter that he would die for the glory of God.  I love Jesus' response: "If I will that he remain till I come, what is that to you?  You follow Me."

As I shared with a few of my best friends over the weekend, my greatest desire in life is to find the wife God has for me and raise a family under His guidance, and when I see many of my friends are getting married or are engaged while I'm not even dating anyone yet (not for a lack of beautiful, God-fearing women that I know!...I just haven't felt the green light from the Holy Spirit towards pursuing anyone), I can't help but ask God, "Why does she get to find her true love while I'm still searching?" or "How come he's getting married next year when I want that so much more than him?"  And after hearing that sermon, I can clearly hear the Lord say in response, "If I will that all of your friends get married today and you remain celibate till you pass from this earth, what is that to you?  You follow Me."

I pray that I find the strength to sigh, smile a bit, and say, "Lead on."

Spiritual Six-Pack

Ever notice how it's easier to do the hard stuff God calls us to do if we obey Him in the littler things?  I sure have.  Yet I surprise myself in how often I choose not to do those little easier things--things like getting out of bed relatively soon after I wake up, or praying and reading the Bible to start the day, or going to bed when it gets late.  It's like spiritual exercise: training ourselves to listen to the Holy Spirit now so that when it's really hard to do so later, we're prepared.  I really hate exercise, but it needs to happen if I'm going to be a useful tool for God.  Just thought I'd share.

Warning: Introspection Ahead

This past weekend, I had the pleasure of attending the wedding of two dear friends from Vassar.  They've been an item for as long as I've known them, so it was nice to see the beginning of their official union.  It was REALLY nice to see all my brothers and sisters from VXF again as well.  I'd forgotten how much I missed them all.

Seeing all of them again made me think about how I'd fallen out of touch, which made me re-evaluate how I was living my life these days.  I'm still in grad school (third year now), but I tend to get so focused on that goal that I forget to make any others.  Nothing serious, just little things like posting in this blog regularly, or working on my golf game, or learning how to cook delicious stuff.  I want to fix that.

As always, the whole matter turns on my relationship with God.  I can't seem to get out of this mindset where I only serve Him when it's convenient or when I feel like it.  It's this sickening roller coaster of one or two good days where I'm on point and focused on Him, followed by two or three days of doing whatever I feel like because "I'm doing well and I should relax a little bit."  For a guy whose blog name is Velocity, mine is terribly inconsistent.

I guess there's nothing to do but spend some time in prayer and the Bible.  Adjust priorities.  Realize there's a whole life out there the Lord wants for me and will give to me if I could just give up the garbage I'm clutching onto so fervently.

I've lost count of how many times I've tried to change, and I can't say with any real confidence that this time will be any different.  But it will be a try.  And maybe it will succeed, if I can learn how to allow God to make the change within me rather than forcing the change myself.

Taxing Taxes

Today was a bit of a difficult day. I had to do my taxes.

See, my stipend does not automatically deduct my taxes, and I kinda sorta didn't make estimated payments throughout the year, so I got hit with a very hefty sum to pay. It was not fun to read about.

But I suppose I should be happy because I have a job which requires me to pay taxes! And I am grateful for that. I will just be happier about it after I pay all the money...

14 gallons per 13 minutes

So, I came home for spring break on Sunday night amidst pouring rain. (Also keep in mind that this winter has dumped record amounts of snow on the Northeast that has only recently begun to melt.) Monday morning, I woke up to learn that the basement was flooding. So, I manned a Shop-Vac and proceeded to vacuum up water and dump it out the back door every 11 minutes. I know this because after about the twentieth time, I started timing it.

It is now Tuesday night, and the water hasn't stopped coming in. I am very, very, verrrry tired. By my estimates, I have dumped about 1500 gallons of water out of my basement at this point. Not by myself, of course--that 14-gallon bucket is heavy, and my dad and I have been hauling it out together--but I think you get the idea.

Still, there's a weird inner peace from knowing that at home, bailing out the basement, is right where God wants me right now. Sometimes that's all you need.

Look! It Moves!

Yeah, I don't actually have anything to talk about right now, except that I am sad that it's been so long since I've posted anything here. At the moment, I'm experiencing an upswing in my spiritual life, as is usually the case when I dare write in this blog.

Anyway, consider the ice broken.

Sick

So, on Tuesday I felt a scratchiness at the back of my throat and didn't pay it much attention. By Tuesday night, I had a full-on drip, fever, and headache, and when I woke up on Wednesday, I knew the day was shot. So Major Tylenol and I bunkered up in my room and waged war against the common cold with orange juice, oatmeal, and LOTS of water. After 11 hours of sleep last night, I'm feeling much better today and decided to give the Major leave as of about an hour ago. Hopefully I won't regret that in a few hours.

The one nice thing about being sick is that you appreciate the little things in life a lot more, like the ability to walk to class without getting winded. It's also slowed me down to take stock of my life at the moment, and to be honest, my priorities are seriously out of order. Too much leisure and not enough work getting done. Time to fix that.

Big Weekend

Class was canceled last Friday, so I used the extra time to head over to Vassar and catch up with my friends. A few of them kept mentioning a praise-and-worship night that might be happening that evening, and to be honest, I was hoping it wouldn't happen because I wanted to goof off and have fun while I was there. But it did happen, and I am super glad it did. It seems that worshipping God is going to be boring right up until you make up your mind to do it, and then the Holy Spirit kicks in and you find that you're enjoying yourself. It shouldn't be surprising--after all, worshipping God is our reason for existence!--and yet it usually is. So, consider yourself encouraged to praise the Lord.

My dad's 50th birthday was also just yesterday. I am living proof that your walk with God can (and probably will) drastically affect your child's walk with God; I know that the Bible contains everything we need to know about living for God, but my dad has always been a tangible plumbline. Thanks, Dad!

Reporting In

Not too much has been happening lately, but I'd rather consistently update with nothing than fall out of a still-forming habit. One professor in particular has been keeping me busy with multiple papers this week.

Speaking of work, one thing I've been thinking about a lot is procrastination. (Me and every other person with a pulse on this planet, I'm sure.) It was easy to do work this summer from 9-5 at my internship, but now that I'm back at school, it's far easier to put things off and just waste time. I believe it's because of accountability. At work, I was concerned about my supervisors or even a coworker catching me doing nothing productive, but no such check exists here. I talked to my dad about this, and he said that I just need to learn to make goals for myself and hold myself accountable to them. He also said that many people never master this, but it is the path to success.

I think the trick is remembering that God is always watching. You don't have to hold yourself accountable if you are aware that He will hold you accountable for everything you've ever done at the end of your life. The real trick then becomes to assign the proper weight to those consequences. People often have difficulty taking the hereafter seriously when the only experience we've had is life on this earth.

Anyway, food for thought. Time to get to work.

Time for a quick rant!

Sometimes trusting God is really, REALLY hard. I know I can't be the only one who feels like this. Sometimes, there's just this burning desire to have something NOW, and it might even be a good thing! But for whatever reason, it's not the right time or it will hurt your walk with God, so He denies it.

Whenever I feel like this, I often imagine what God must be thinking. I picture Him, looking at me with a mixture of sympathy, love, and wisdom. He says something along the lines of:

"I understand. I know that you want this, and I would love nothing more than to see you happy. But I can see further than you, and I know what this will lead to. Please, accept my judgment on this. Trust me. And I promise you that one day, you will look back on this moment, and see how much better everything turned out because you obeyed. And when that day comes, you will also gain an experience to draw on for encouragement the next time something like this comes up!"

Then, He gives me a fatherly hug, and says, "I love you. Hang tough, ok?"

Haha, alright. Feeling better now. :-)

"Pray and read your Bible!"

Before I went to college, one of the jokes my friends and I had was that whenever you were asked a question in Sunday school, the answer was always, "Pray and read your Bible!" What made it funny was that it was usually true. I've come to realize that it's actually a pretty good answer for anything pertaining to life.

What I'm driving at here is that if you aren't praying and reading your Bible on at least a daily basis, you are seriously missing out on a lot that God has to offer. I'm not saying that I consistently do, but when I do, life is easier to live for God, and that always leads to good things.

I'm writing about this because I am getting back into reading my Bible after a few weeks of not being consistent with it, and it feels good! Prayer is something I continue to struggle with. It isn't something that comes naturally to me, but I will keep trying.

On Vows and Vanity

I found some great Scriptures in Ecclesiastes this morning. Usually, when I think of that book of the Bible, I get depressed, given the author's overall tone. I, personally, am a big fan of life, so I don't appreciate how pessimistic the author's opinion of it seems. But as I read it, I realize that the author isn't belittling life, but pointing out the things within it that can cause us to belittle it ourselves.

Anyway, onto the Scriptures. Ecclesiastes 5:4-5 (linked in the sidebar) strikes a chord within me. I know it seems obvious, but it convicts me, as I know I have made specific promises to God in the past and broken them (e.g., "Lord, I promise that I will always/never do X."). We should take any vow that we make with God as seriously as life and death, because in Old Testament times, that's how serious it often was! I know that Jesus says that we are to let our "yes" be "yes" and our "no" be "no," but at least for me, a vow can be a serious deterrent towards temptation. Still, I have learned that if you do make a vow, make certain you can fulfill it. Add a penalty that you KNOW you can pay if you fail to keep the main stipulation. This way, even if you fall, you are not in danger of breaching a contract with the Lord.

Ecclesiastes 6:1-2 was interesting as well. I had to read it a few times before I got what it was saying, but eventually it clicked: if we are consumed with how we appear to others, we will spend our money and time on things we really don't need (or even want, in some cases). I'm not saying it's wrong to have nice things, but being wrapped up in having the best or the latest at all times is sure to end badly. At least, that's how I interpret it. I thought it was interesting that a vice that in some ways defines America was identified by Solomon thousands of years ago! Just proof that the Bible continues to be pertinent today.

Anyway, stuff to think about.

For all you science nerds out there...

I've been changing up the look of the blog, because I like doing that sort of thing. I was considering changing the description under the title, but what I came up with was a little too mathematical for everyone to get. So it gets posted here instead:

I asked God where I stood with Him.
He smiled and said to me,
"It isn't x for which I care,
but for dx/dt."