Saturday, December 19, 2009

New Orders

I can't believe it's been two weeks since I last wrote. Finals week has a lot to do with that, and though I had been putting off my Bible reading at first (which had less-than-optimal consequences), I got back into it when finals started. It's kinda funny; you'd think that taking time away from studying to read the Bible would hurt your exam scores, but I think it helped. I could feel God helping me remember how to answer questions, and I believe He was more willing to help because I had my priorities straight.

Anyway, now I'm home for Christmas, and I feel a bit weird. I've worked so hard for awhile, and everything is swiftly changing gears now. My true challenge is continuting to be productive and heeding God's will for each day. Now instead of concentrating on my studies, there are a million other smaller things which I know God would want me to do with my free time.

That's one of the harder things for me to do, I think: will I listen to God's direction and do what He asks without hesitation or questioning, or will I weigh His will against my own and decide which one "feels" like it will be more satisfying? Obviously the former will be the most rewarding in the end, but it's surprising how many times I choose the latter.

By the way, I started reading this book called "Fearless" by Max Lucado for a Sunday School class I'm in. I highly recommend it. It is awesome.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

'Tis the Season

Today's devotional mentioned that in some parts of the world, people give and receive gifts on December 6th rather than the 25th so that they can spend the rest of the month focusing on God and His gift. I'd never heard of this, but it seems like a great idea.

A week ago, my sister Julia mentioned that she never heard any Christmas carols on the radio anymore this time of year--it was all "Jingle Bell Rock" and "Santa Baby" and "All I Want for Christmas is You," and that made her sad. Our culture's done a fantastic job of squeezing God and Jesus out of Christmas, and it's pretty sickening.

I shouldn't be shaking my head so vigorously, though. I'm guilty of forgetting the reason for the season many times. I get so caught up in buying presents and seeing family that I forget about what Jesus did so long ago. Hah, and then I wonder why I don't feel like I'm in the Christmas spirit. Maybe it's because I'm neglecting the true Christmas spirit.

This Christmas, I'm going to make more of an effort to focus on God. He's pretty good about helping people do things He wants them to do, so I'm sure God will keep me on the right track.

Oh, by the way, if you ever want to read Our Daily Bread, the devotional I often reference, the link is in the sidebar.

Friday, December 4, 2009

One Day's Difference

It's curious how quickly things can turn around in a person's life. Don't get me wrong--I'd be a fool to claim that the fight is over. But today seems a little brighter, and I find I have more resolve to do that which God wants me to do.

Yesterday was a little rough. I essentially finished class around 12 and proceeded to do NOTHING productive for the rest of the day. I regret that. But today is a new day, and I will do what I can to heed God's instructions better.

Sometimes I wonder if I focus on hearing God's voice too much, but I have this belief (founded in the Bible) that if we keep our eyes on Him, the rest follows. Not praying enough? Focus on God. Struggling with habitual sin? Focus on God. Wondering how you can share the gospel with your coworker/fellow student? Focus on God.

In Sunday school, the big joke used to be that every question could be answered with "Pray and read your Bible." It's striking how true that is. Prayer is direct contact with God, and the Bible is concrete, infallible advice from Him. If ever someone wanted to hear God's direction, that would be the way to do it.

1 John has been hitting me hard lately. For those of us who are struggling with habitual sin, that book is a great way to be confronted with its severity--and its consequences. John has a very logical sound to his writing: "He who sins is of the devil, for the devil has sinned from the beginning. For this purpose the Son of God was manifested, that He might destroy the works of the devil. Whoever has been born of God does not sin, for His seed reamins in him; and he cannot sin, because he has been born of God." (1 John 3:8-9)

Not only does he state that if you sin, you are of the devil, but he emphasizes it with the contrapositive in the next verse: if you are of God, you do not sin. And again, neither John nor God expects perfection, but if we are willing to continually return to sin, thinking that God will forgive us and we are still Christians, we are contradicting ourselves. Christianity is a walk, not a stance.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Pi

I need help.

God's help, to be more precise. Lately, He's been showing me how poor of a place I'm in. Ever since I've come to Yale and been more or less removed from the Christian family I was blessed with at Vassar, it's been so easy to ignore God. I still believe in Him and want to serve Him, but I don't.

I have consistently listened to myself and done what "felt right" at any given moment, and it has led to this horrible spiritual state. Reading my Bible (for the first time in a few days) today, 1 John 2:4 hit me especially hard: "He who say, 'I know Him,' and does not keep His commandments, is a liar, and the truth is not in Him." I understand that God does not expect perfection from us, but I believe that John's point here is that we do not have any part with God if we pick and choose which of His commands we will obey and which ones we will ignore. And I have definitely been ignoring lately, which makes me a liar. That's scary.

Haha, Kay probably doesn't realize how much her comment on my eight-month-old post yesterday meant to me. I know she meant to tease me about how long it had been since I'd posted here, but right now it feels more like a wake-up call to a relationship with God that I profess to have. I know that if I will just reach out to God and strive to obey Him, He'll give me the power to do so. It's time to do my part.

Monday, March 30, 2009

Work in Progress

Living for God is a good thing. I can't say that I'm always living for Him--no one is perfect--but I am consistently trying now. The nice thing about God is that He will give us the strength and wisdom we need if we sincerely intend to use that power to become more like Christ.

Walking down the path God has laid out is a hard road. I feel that I am more aware of my shortcomings than ever before. Yet at the same time, I am encouraged that God is making them more prevalent so that I can allow Him to remove them. I am overcome by His patience and benevolence, thinking about all the ways I hurt Him every day and how He chooses to love me anyway. I think Brad Stine said it best when he noted that the great thing about Christianity is that it takes you in spite of yourself.

My greatest prayer is that when God calls on me to act so that His will can be carried out, I will simply obey. Thankfully, God makes that possible when the time comes, as long as I don't resist. I want to be like the people in the Bible who just allowed God to work through them without worrying what others would think of them. That would be awesome.

Anyway, since I last wrote, things have taken a turn for the better. I just need to keep relying on God, since that's the only way progress can be made anyway.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

A New Beginning

It's been awhile since I've written here...and I think it's time for a rethinking of this blog's purpose.

At the risk of sounding dramatic and self-absorbed, I've come to a crossroads. I've discovered that I do not truly love the Lord with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength. Thankfully, I do want to. But there are things within my life which I have refused to give up for years now that are standing in the way of God's will.

So, I have three choices. First, I can abandon myself to the desires of the flesh, reject God, and attempt to seek happiness and fulfillment elsewhere. I could try to fool myself into believing that I am master of my own life, but in reality, I would be a slave to sin. I cannot choose this.

Second, I can turn to God and try to live by His standards, but leave some strings attached. If times are rough, I can turn to Him, but when all is well, I can pursue my own desires. Basically, I would be a volunteer for God--serving Him when it suits me, and going my own way when it does not. I believe I have been on this path for several years now. I could say that God has been Lord of my life all this time, but if I ever wanted something badly enough, I would turn off the path that God laid down for me.

Finally, there is submission. I can give myself up. I can offer myself to God not as a volunteer, but as a slave. Regardless of my feelings, His word would be law. I would walk in His steps without wavering. There would be no strings attached.

It would be difficult. It would require complete denial of self, something which I cannot do under my own power. But I have tasted, even if only for a short while, the peace that comes from living such a life. It is not always the happiest path, but it is the true path, and living in the truth trumps everything else that this life has to offer.

I've tried again and again to live this kind of life, and I have failed each time. I am discouraged and disappointed in myself. But I will not give up. God, in His blessed, infinite mercy, continues to give me another chance. Despite the grief I cause Him when I fall, He always offers forgiveness. I do not want to grieve Him anymore.

I am trying again. I ask for your prayers as I begin this new life, and I encourage you to join me, whether you would be just starting on this path yourself or you have been walking it for some time and have advice to give me.

I apologize for the tone of this post--I feel like it is far too focused on myself. I will try to fix that in the future. For now, I can only thank God that He has forgiven me yet again, and I pray that He will give me His strength so that I can truly love Him.

And with that, I'm going to go do some homework. I don't want to, but God wants me to. :-)